Day 150 – Time to recalibrate.

I drank. A few times. It wasn’t the best. It wasn’t the worst. I didn’t black out, so that’s a major plus. I did it for all the ‘right’ reasons – social connection and parties.

However, there has been something at the forefront of my mind for a few weeks now, as I navigate my life trying to be the best me that I can be…

I remember a job where I had two bosses. Both very different in their management styles. One of them said I was aggressive, and the other said I was a people pleaser. After a lot of trial and error, I found out that the best way to appease them both was to just stop caring about the task at hand.

But it turns out that suppressing huge parts of your personality is not that great for your mental health, or the soul. Sometimes you might just be too helpful, or too boisterous for peoples tastes, and that’s ok.

My issue is that I bought in to it. I went to the Dr’s, and I got a prescription, and now I am paying to feel myself get number and dumber. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with medication, it is better than the alternative at the time, but I’ve moved on, and I don’t want it anymore.

I want to care again.

Day 21 – it’s been a bumpy ride.

At the time I pressed “publish” on my first post I was feeling, hopeful, optimistic and determined. I was ready to tackle the world, one drink free day at a time. Then two days later we were placed in to an 8 day lockdown. This is where the fun begins.

I am social by nature, I love spending time with others, and when I have had enough I like to schedule my own alone time, but needs must. Working from home gave me a lot of time to sit with my thoughts, and there were many considering the nightmares started on Day 16.

I was fortunate enough to be able to use my commute time to get a head start on the spring cleaning, and tackle some household tasks that usually feel like chores, and it came to my attention that I am a hoarder. I’m not at the level that I need to be featured on a TV show, but I have things. Things that I have purchased for immediate use, but have ended up being slotted in to the ‘future me, healthier me, fancier me’ category.

Please bear in mind that these are not necessarily extravagant items, I am talking about essential oils, cute food containers, active wear (in my current size), and books. All things that, to me, make for a nice, comfortable, well scented life.

It was quite the kick in the shin coming to the realisation that I had been putting off using these things, things that I had worked hard to earn the money to buy, because I did not feel worthy. Can you imagine not feeling good enough to use a nice scented oil or food tub, and then feeling guilty when you remember how absurdly wasteful that is? So I’ve taken some steps in this past week to work through some of these blocks, and I have implemented them almost daily.

Before I embarked on this journey I had steadily been drinking more at the weekends, the cold weather and longer evenings tend to make me want to spend time in the pub. But this behaviour had knocked the morning routine that I had once appreciated and benefited from right on its butt.

So here it is in its glorious simplicity.

  1. Get up at 4am
  2. Light a scented candle, or citrusy essential oils in the diffuser
  3. Have my coffee
  4. Do some sort of exercise at home
  5. Have breakfast
  6. If I’m feeling in any way spiritual that day I will pull a card, journal
  7. Pack my lunch
  8. Leave for work – then I can check my socials on the train.

I’ve been doing it for 9 days now (apart from steps 7 and 8 – that comes tomorrow) and I am starting to feel somewhat in control of my life again. I think that it may even have helped with the nightmares.

Routine is my new best friend, I still haven’t had a drink, this could work.

Thanks for reading!

Just another curious journey to sobriety.

“Nothing is original, but authenticity matters.”

I’m Rachel, a Scottish gal that has been living in Australia for about 6 years now. I live with my wonderful partner, I am surrounded by a handful of incredibly supportive friends, and I have a little bit of a binge drinking problem.

I would like to say that this is a new problem, but it isn’t. I have binged for the majority of my adult life. Coming from the UK, where drinking is a national pastime, I had always been proud of the amount I could knock back, and the ridiculous situations that I have ended up in. However, along the way, I have damaged friendships, relationships, and my own mental health.

More recently I have been experiencing frequent blackouts, 3 day hangovers and a persistent feeling of shame. Perhaps I should have heeded that big red warning on the anti-depressant box that says “avoid alcohol consumption” – but what is life without a little self sabotage.

I am incredibly lucky that I have access to a multitude of resources to assist me on my journey, and it is a recent trip to the DR’s that has spurred this decision to cut out alcohol for at least 3 months. I need to get my physical, and mental health back under some sort of control, and this feels like the right first step. This is Day 11.

I am unsure what I wish to achieve at this time, in the grand scheme of life, however I do know that I wish to return to being the fun loving, generally happy, woman that actually does the things that she loves. It sounds a lot better than being full of fear, and self-loathing in Brisbane.

Maybe I’m writing for accountability, catharsis, or to connect with others in a similar situation. If my ridiculousness helps at least 1 person, I’ll be as happy as a clam. I am so much more than this situation that I have found myself facing right now.

This is me reminding myself that there is more to life than numbing with alcohol. I’m not saying that I’ll never have another alcoholic beverage, but right now I cannot say that I will.

Thanks for reading!